“The Matrix”

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They offered me a blue pill and a red pill in the hospital. I thought I was supposed to choose.

Actually, I’ve always been compliant with the medication. I may have ALWAYS been resistant to the idea of it, even before the breakdown, but I have ALWAYS been compliant.

Part of that was out of necessity, but, also, part of it was out of the truth that it served a purpose, AT LEAST in the immediate aftermath of the event. Though, I can assure you that the utter, abject humility it forced upon me was, at the time, much less preferable to the nature of my delusions… Following signposts placed for me by J. R. R. Tolkien as I scampered purpose-driven through the woods in pursuit of my own personal “Mount Doom,” i.e., “escape” to Mexico, for some reason, I don’t even remember why, where I assumed, didn’t even just know, but self-righteously, and arrogantly, assumed that I would be welcomed by our Southern neighbors in deep gratitude for whatever epic quest I was fulfilling by being in their company. I was assured of the utter, absolute sanctity of this notion until I learned in the hospital that I had been heading EAST across the Florida peninsula, and not north, and west, as I had… you betcha’… ASSUMED…

What do they say about “assuming”? An ASS out of both U and ME, D. (“D” for what? I don’t know… “Death”? How close was I? Closer to death than Mexico, that’s for sure, but, then, again, maybe it was really that which I was escaping from… A pre-existing death… A pre-existing “condition” that made a “MED”-ical patient out of me, U, ASS…)

But I digress. I took the pills, and still do, though I am finally in a position to taper off of them, in coordination with a psychiatric professional…

For the longest time, I felt that the only reason I was taking them was because I was taking them… That is, the withdraw of coming off of them abruptly was, simply, too much to handle, but, finally, a taper seems to be working without the attendant side-effects that I would experience if, on those rare occasions, I forgot to take the medication on a given night.

But it served a purpose.

I hope. Otherwise the last fourteen years are…

Well, let’s just keep moving forward, shall we?